Letters to a True North Baby: Week 20

Today we introduce a new series on the True North Doulas blog: “Letters to a True North Baby.” Each week we will chronicle the second pregnancy for TND founder Erica Gipson, written as a letter to her baby.  We are starting in the middle because, well, that is where we are now.  We hope you enjoy!

 

Week 20: The Ultrasound

Dear True North Baby,

Our journey together (as one body) is already halfway done.  How did that happen? The first trimester is always so slow, but now it seems that time is disintegrating before me.  20 weeks?  I still can’t believe it.

Are you going to be a calm, gentle soul?  Sometimes it is easy for me to forget you are even there.  My pregnancy with your brother was so different.  He kicked and prodded and flitted about from very early on (14 weeks); he hasn’t stopped moving since.  With you, I must admit, I worried when I didn’t feel you move much at all.  At 15 weeks I thought maybe I felt a nudge, but it wasn’t as obvious as it was with your brother.  Even up until we had the ultrasound this week, I couldn’t feel much movement at all.  I wondered if you were ok.  I didn’t want to focus on my worst fears (that you had a chromosomal problem incompatible with life), so I just didn’t think about it much.  I knew there was probably a good explanation for the silence in my belly (like an anterior placenta to cushion your little blows).  Still, I was nervous.

Your dad took the morning off of work so that we could go to the ultrasound together.  We were one of the first on the list for that day, and it was nice, for once, not to have to wait.  Our ultrasound technician was darling and sweet and put me at ease immediately.  I made sure to tell her that we didn’t want to know your sex—we want that moment for ourselves when you are born. She had nothing but reassuring things to say from the start and was careful to have us close our eyes when she was looking between your legs.  We still don’t know if you are a boy or a girl and it doesn’t matter.  You are perfect in every way.  And, for the record, I *do* have an anterior placenta.  Yay, doula intuition!

Because our appointment was efficient and your papa wasn’t expected back at work for a while, we got to have a mini-date. Dates are rare these days, especially since your brother came along.  It was lovely having the time to hold hands and to dream about how we want to rearrange the house to accommodate you, our newest family member.  We want to be ready.

I still get sentimental and a bit sad when I cuddle your older brother and realize that our family of 3 is soon to be 4.  It feels exponentially more complicated and exhausting and I know that I am going to love it anyway.  I am trying to make the most of my time alone with your older brother now, before he has to share.  He is excited for you to come, even if he doesn’t quite know what that means.  When I ask him, he thinks that you are going to be a girl and that you will be named Jacques.  I don’t want to contradict him (even though I think that you are a boy and certainly WON’T be named Jacques).  He is two and the emperor of his own little universe.  You will get it one day.

I am so glad that all is well in there and that it is ok for me to continue to love you without the fear of losing you.  It feels more real now, somehow.  Keep stretching and growing in there.

Until we meet, with all of my love,

Mama Doula